Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Obama Ranked 5th President Ever


From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama rated 5th best president ever. 

The Democratic publicity release said,"...after a little more than 5 years, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever." 

The details according to White House Publicists: 

Reagan & Lincoln tied for first, 

23 presidents tied for second, 

17 other presidents tied for third, 

Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and 

Obama came in fifth

Monday, August 19, 2013

Are You Polish?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days…..

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German?" Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was
Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Suburbanite Joke


   Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
   It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with   grass.
   Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
   Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
   The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites  happy.
   Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
   They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
   Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
   They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
   No, Sir, just the  opposite. They pay to throw it away.
   Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
   Yes, Sir.
   These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
   You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they  drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
   What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
   You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
   No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
   After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
   And where do they get this mulch?
   They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
   Enough! I don't  want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
   'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
   Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.