Thursday, September 7, 2017

Joel Osteen Blonde Joke

This is just a joke, so if you're a blonde, don't take offense.

Here's a Joel Osteen Blonde joke for you.



I heard about this man, he was sitting in a dark restaurant. He said to this lady sitting next to him "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"

She said "Well, before you tell me, you should know that I'm blonde, 6 foot tall and a professional body builder. The lady next to me is blonde, 6 foot 2 and a professional wrestler. And the lady next to her is blonde, 6 foot 5 and the kickboxing champion of the world. Now, do you still want to tell me?"

He thought about it for a moment and then said "No. Not if I''m going to have to explain it three times."


Monday, June 26, 2017

Acts 2:38 Bible Joke

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen late one night.

She was home alone, didn't have any weapons, didn't know what she'd do.

Finally, she decided I'll just say a scripture verse.

She shouted out "Acts 2:38:".



The burglar suddenly froze in his tracks, wouldn't move.

Soon the police arrived. They were amazed that a woman with no weapon could do this.

They said to the burglar, "What was it about that scripture, that had such an effect on you?"

He said "Scripture, what scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two thirty-eights."

This is another one of the jokes that I heard on Joel Osteen's show.

The Acts 2:38 Bible scripture reads:

"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost."

Friday, June 23, 2017

College Student Letter Joke

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for you........

Letter to parents from a college student.



Dear Mom and Dad,

There was a riot on campus, from the smoke I inhaled, I developed a life threatening lung disease. At the hospital, I met a parking lot attendant. We fell in love. Our baby is on the way. After one month, when he gets off of probation, I am going to drop out of college. We are going to move to Alaska and get married.

Signed,

Your loving daughter

P.S. None of this is true, but I did fail Chemistry.

Friday, March 31, 2017

The Green Thing

This one was sent to me by my good friend, Ellen.

 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she  should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the  environment.

 
  The woman apologized to the young girl and explained,
“We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
 
The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today.   Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
 
 
The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t  have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:
 
 
   Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to  the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so It could use the same  bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we  didn’t have the  “green thing” back in our day.  Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we  reused for numerous  things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper  bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure  that public  property (the books provided for our use by the school) was  not defaced by our  scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on  the brown paper bags.  But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back  then.  We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and  office building. We  walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every  time we had to go two blocks.  But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.
 
   Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.  Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.  But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.
 
   Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in  every room.  And the TV  had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the  size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen we blended and stirred  by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do  everything for us. When  we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used  wadded up old newspapers  to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
 
   Back then, we didn’t fire  up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used  a push mower that  ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.  But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.
 
   We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup  or a plastic bottle  every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens  with ink instead of  buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of  throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got  dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.
 
   Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes  to school or walked  instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in  the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the ”green thing.”
 
   We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank  of sockets to power a  dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal  beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest  burger joint.
 
   But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old  folks were just  because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?
 
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.
 
 
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much  to piss us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Redneck ID Joke

Here's a funny Redneck Joke that my niece shared with me.












A Redneck gets pulled over by a traffic cop. 

The cop says: "Got any ID?"

Redneck says: "'Bout what?"

Monday, October 24, 2016

Groom to Minister Joke

This is another joke from Joel Osteen, that I found humorous.



I heard about this groom. At the wedding rehearsal, he said to the minister "I'll make a deal with ya. If during the vowels you'll leave out all of that love, honor and obey stuff, I'll give you a hundred dollars."He slipped a hundred dollar bill in the minister's hand and walked away with a smile.

The next day during the ceremony, the minister said to him "Do you promise to bow down before your wife, to take her breakfast in bed, to fulfill her every desire."

He gulped in astonishment, and said in a weak voice "I do." Then he whispered in the minister's ear "I thought we had a deal?"

The minister handed him back his money and said "Your wife made me a much better offer."

Monday, July 13, 2015

Pastor Goes Golfing

Here is another one of Joel Osteen's jokes that I like....

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.






He told his assistant he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?"

God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"