Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Joke

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for
the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom
decided to play a trick.


She told my sister that she needed something from the store.


When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in
the oven.



When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.



With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.



It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay
eggs!



Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
Someone has stolen the tent." "

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Happiest Woman in the World

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


(This joke could go either direction)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......


1. A day without sunshine is night.


2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.


3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.


6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest..


7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.


9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


13... OK, so what's the speed of dark?


14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?


21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?


22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'


23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND!

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND!


For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend.
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions
in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.

A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that
Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Little Johnny on Math

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Economy Fix

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American car. Forty million cars ordered-
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage-
Housing Crisis fixed.