Monday, October 28, 2013

Beware of Older Men Joke

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Urine Sample

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
And how are we doing this morning?

Or are we ready for a bath?
Or are we hungry?

I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine bottle,
looked at it and said, My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it saying,
Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.

The nurse fainted....I just smiled.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Scared Hitchhiker Joke

Scared Hitchhiker Joke

This guy was on the side of the road, hitch hiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel..The guy, paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a canteen and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same canteen and one said to the other. "Look Pete, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Scared Taxi Driver Joke

Scared Taxi Driver Joke
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Elder Lecture

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.


The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."


The officer then asked, "Really?  Who's giving a lecture this time of night?


The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Football Finally Makes Sense

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles.

But, I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' 

I'm like's only 25 cents!"