Thursday, December 3, 2009

How To Speak Southern

Everyone needs a good laugh every now and then. And even if you are poking fun of yourself, sometimes it can be quite humorous.

Here's a great article titled How To Speak Southern.

So, enjoy the humor. Be able to laugh at yourself now and then. And enjoy life!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Joke

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for
the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom
decided to play a trick.


She told my sister that she needed something from the store.


When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in
the oven.



When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.



With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.



It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay
eggs!



Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
Someone has stolen the tent." "

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Happiest Woman in the World

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


(This joke could go either direction)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......


1. A day without sunshine is night.


2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.


3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.


6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest..


7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.


9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


13... OK, so what's the speed of dark?


14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?


21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?


22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'


23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND!

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND!


For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend.
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions
in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.

A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that
Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Little Johnny on Math

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Economy Fix

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American car. Forty million cars ordered-
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage-
Housing Crisis fixed.

Monday, October 12, 2009

He's Not Even Blonde

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

And they say blondes are dumb...

Friday, October 9, 2009

Bad Day At Hallmark

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Friday, August 21, 2009

How Blonde Was She

How Blonde Was She???

She was So Blonde

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army..

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says 'Sign here:' she wrote
'Sagittarius.'

She Was So Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'




She was So Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said 'Concentrate.'

* She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.




She was So Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, 'Airport Left,'
she turned around and went home..




She Was So Blonde....

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said 'TGIF,' which she thought stood for 'This
Goes In Front.'



AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is so Blonde...

*She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

When You're Drunk Joke

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. White Castle? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on
the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I Can Hear Just Fine

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the Other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I, Let's have a beer.'

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sex In The Movies

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.