Wednesday, May 15, 2013



The first man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man married a woman from WEST VIRGINIA He gave his wife orders that she was to do ...all... the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from KENTUCKY. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees!!!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Personal Questions Joke

A mother is driving her  little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks,  'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not  supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother  replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK',  the little girl says,
'How much do you  weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really  none of your business.'

Undaunted, the  little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a  divorce?'

'That's enough questions,  young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated  mother walks away as the two friends begin to  play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything  about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you  need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything  on it.'

Later that night the little girl  says to her mother,
'I know how old you are.  You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and  asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I  also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked  now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that  out?'

'And,' the little girl says  triumphantly,
'I know why you and  daddy got a divorce.' 

'Oh really?' the mother  asks. 'Why?'

'Because you  got an F in sex.'

Friday, May 3, 2013

"Put Me In Charge"

This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX 


Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for 
Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of 
cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen 
pizza, then get a job. 

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant 
birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for 
drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, or 
smoke, then get a job. 

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You 
will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your home" will 
be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you 
want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place. 

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you 
will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, 
painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell 
your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers 
and put that money toward the "common good.." 

Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the 
above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that 
this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't 
that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was 
demeaning and lowered self esteem. 

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt 
to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for 
continuing to make bad choices. 

AND While you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is 
correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily 
remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If 
you want to vote, then get a job. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Letters to.....

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. It's karma's.
The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? What happened?!

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
That Little Triangle

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.
Sincerely, Canadians

Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol

Dear Mr. Gump
What are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Dr. Pepper