Wednesday, June 11, 2014

New Police Recruit Joke

New Police Recruit Joke


A new police recruit was taking his final exam. 

He was in front of this large classroom.

The Sargent asked him "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?"

Without missing a beat he said "Call for backup".

- Joel Osteen
Episode Airing: 10/31//1999


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Redneck Pickup Lines


REDNECK Pick Up Lines

1. Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2. My love fer you is like diarrhea...I can't hold it in.
3. I got a six pack of beer and the new Hank Jr. CD.
4. Baby you're finer than a new set of snow tires.
5. You're prettier than a beer truck pulling up in the driveway.
6. Are you're parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special.
7. You're not the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9. Hey baby, nice tooth!
10. Wanna come over to my trailer, drink some beer an see my new velvet Elvis painting?

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Spring is Here!






Spring is here!  I'm so excited, I wet my plants!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Talking Dog Joke

In Miami:

A boy went to his dad and asked if he could have a dog.  Since the boy had been behaving well and doing good in school, the dad agreed.

He looked in the paper and seen an ad for a talking dog.  The guy had to see it, so he called.  The owner said come on over.



When the man arrived the owner said, "The dog's right in there". 

The man walked in and saw the dog watching tv. The dog said "Hello. How are you?".

The man said, "You really do talk.  How did you become so fluent?"

The dog said "I worked for the TSA at the airport for a while, sniffing luggage for drugs."

"Oh, that's how." the man exclaimed.

"Well, not just that", said the dog "I also was teamed up with the military on special operations in Iraq."

The man turned to the owner and said "I'll take him."

As they were leaving, the man said "I don't know why anyone would want to sell a talking dog."

The owner said "That dog's a liar. He hasn't ever been out of Miami."

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Tips to Make You Laugh

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.  IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sunday, January 5, 2014

It Does Take a Rocket Scientist






 

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo --
"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)