Saturday, December 25, 2010

Things You Learn From Boys

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 2 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Cold Weather

Cold Weather Behavior…

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Hoosiers plant gardens.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Indiana.

40 above zero: Import cars won’t start. Hoosiers drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in the Hoosier State gets thicker.

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Hoosiers throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Indiana have one last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero: People in Miami all die. Hoosiers close the windows.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico .Hoosiers dig their winter coats out of storage.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Indiana still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Indiana let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Hoosiers get upset because the Mini-Van won’t start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Indiana can be heard to say, “Cold ’nuff fer ya?”

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. In Terre Haute public schools open 2 hours late.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Door Mats

These are a few sayings found on door mats.....

You are here!

Our dog is not a biter. He's a humper!

GO AWAY! Come back with wine.

I'm Really Glad to See You! But then, I lie like a mat.

BEER Gets you in the door!

We love our vacuum, We found God, and We gave at the Office. Thank you!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Cat in the Hat on Aging

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can I do?

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?

My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

How to Speak Southern

This is a pretty funny article. I may have posted it before, if so, it's ok because it's well worth a second look. Check it out if you get a chance!

How to Speak Southern!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Sign to make you Smile!

Our Aim Is To Keep This Bathroom Clean.

Gentlemen: Your Aim Will Help. Stand Closer. It's Shorter Than You Think.

Ladies: Please Remain Seated For The Entire Performance.