Sunday, October 16, 2011

Understand Women Joke

Understand Women - Joke

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have
tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.'


God replied, 'Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help man kind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that
I , and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What to do with your Ex Joke

Joke about your Ex:

What do you do if your Ex is limping around and bleeding in you're back yard???
Take a deep breath, focus, reload, and shoot again!!!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Elderly Catholic Gentleman Joke

AN ELDERLY ITALIAN CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said: Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Joke - Why I Am Now Divorced

This joke is titled "Why I am Now Divorced".

Why I Am now Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't
feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word...
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me...'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said,
'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...
followed
by my husband,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Grandma Joke

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...


This family won't even let me fart!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Weather Forecasting is Easy Joke

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
went to the phone, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter".

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely", the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen".

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy".

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Biology Joke

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was,

'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ,' worth 70 points or none at all.

. One student, in particular,was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end
of the test rang, he wrote...

7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Blonde Explains Football

Football FINALLY makes sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game and they had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

”Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’. I'm like...Helloooooo, it's only 25 cents!”

Monday, February 21, 2011

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from
Grandma!"

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Chicago - Unique Shopping

If you are ever in Chicago, and need a new gag gift, a practical joke, or just a toy for fun and games, you'll definitely want to check out Uncle Fun.

This hilarious store will bring you back to your childhood years, with good deals on good fun.

Check out more unique stores in Chicago - See What's in Store for You!.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Bike Humor

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Thursday, January 27, 2011

How is Norma?

HOW IS NORMA?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the
patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that
room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Enjoy Life Now!

When you have an

'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired or you're a housewife, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite
chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested

and then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!



if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work
for Johnson and Johnson!




Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!