Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Monday, December 2, 2013

Son Gets Drivers License Joke

I heard about this teenager who had just gotten his driver's license.
He asked his dad if he could borrow the car.
 
His dad said "Son I'll make a deal with you.  If you bring your grades
up, read your bible everyday, and cut your hair, you can borrow the
car."

A month later he came back and asked about it and his dad said,
"Well Son, you've brought your grades up and you've been reading your
bible, but you still haven't cut your hair."

He said "Dad, I've been thinking about it.  Moses had long hair.
Samson had long hair.  Even Jesus had long hair."

Dad said "Yeah Son, and they walked every where they went."

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Elderly Man Gains Hearing Joke

An elderly man had a serious hearing problem for many years.

He went to the doctor and was fitted with this state of the art, high-tech hearing aide, to where he could hear 100%.

He went back a month later for a check up.  The doctor said "Wow, your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be so excited that you can hear again."

He said "No, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the different conversations, and I've changed my will 3 times."

Monday, October 28, 2013

Beware of Older Men Joke

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Urine Sample

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
And how are we doing this morning?

Or are we ready for a bath?
Or are we hungry?

I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.



So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine bottle,
looked at it and said, My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it saying,
Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.

The nurse fainted....I just smiled.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Scared Hitchhiker Joke

Scared Hitchhiker Joke



This guy was on the side of the road, hitch hiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel..The guy, paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a canteen and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same canteen and one said to the other. "Look Pete, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Scared Taxi Driver Joke

Scared Taxi Driver Joke
 
 
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Elder Lecture

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

 

The officer then asked, "Really?  Who's giving a lecture this time of night?

 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Football Finally Makes Sense



A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles.

But, I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' 

I'm like Hello....it's only 25 cents!"

Monday, September 16, 2013

Three Pastors

Three pastors were in a boat together one day fishing.



One of the pastors said "We never get to let our hair down. Let's each tell the area that we struggle in the most.  Our greatest sin, so we can pray for each other."

The first pastor said "I hate to admit this, but I have a problem with gambling.  Sometimes I sneak out at night, and gamble."

The second pastor said "I am ashamed to admit this, but I have a problem with cheating.  I hardly ever pay my taxes."

The third pastor sat there silently.  They waited and waited.  He wouldn't budge.

They said "We're not leaving until you tell us your greatest sin."

He said "Alright, my greatest sin is with gossip and I can't wait to get off this boat."

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Rooster Joke

A little old lady calls her neighbor and says,
"Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little old lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Obama Ranked 5th President Ever

OBAMA RATED 5TH BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORY 




From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama rated 5th best president ever. 

The Democratic publicity release said,"...after a little more than 5 years, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best president ever." 

The details according to White House Publicists: 

Reagan & Lincoln tied for first, 


23 presidents tied for second, 


17 other presidents tied for third, 


Jimmy Carter came in 4th, and 

Obama came in fifth

Monday, August 19, 2013

Are You Polish?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days…..

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"




The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German?" Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was
Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish"



The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Suburbanite Joke

 

 GOD:
   Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
 
  St. FRANCIS:
   It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with   grass.
 
    GOD:
   Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
 
    ST. FRANCIS:
   Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
 
    GOD:
   The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites  happy.
 
    ST. FRANCIS:
   Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
 
    GOD:
   They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
 
   ST. FRANCIS:
   Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
 
    GOD:
   They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
 
    ST. FRANCIS:
   No, Sir, just the  opposite. They pay to throw it away.
 
    GOD:
   Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
 
    ST. FRANCIS:
   Yes, Sir.
 
    GOD:
   These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
 
   ST. FRANCIS:
   You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they  drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
 
    GOD:
   What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
 
   ST. FRANCIS:
   You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
 
    GOD:
   No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
 
    ST. FRANCIS:
   After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
 
    GOD:
   And where do they get this mulch?
 
    ST. FRANCIS:
   They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
 
  GOD:
   Enough! I don't  want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
 
   ST. CATHERINE:
   'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
 
  GOD:
   Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.  

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Mad Cow Disease Illegal Alien Joke

Here's an old joke, but a good one, on the Government, Illegal Aliens and Mad Cow Disease

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A KENTUCKY GIRL

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A KENTUCKY GIRL.......

The first man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man married a woman from WEST VIRGINIA He gave his wife orders that she was to do ...all... the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man married a girl from KENTUCKY. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees!!!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Personal Questions Joke

A mother is driving her  little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks,  'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not  supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother  replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK',  the little girl says,
'How much do you  weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really  none of your business.'

Undaunted, the  little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a  divorce?'

'That's enough questions,  young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated  mother walks away as the two friends begin to  play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything  about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you  need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything  on it.'

Later that night the little girl  says to her mother,
'I know how old you are.  You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and  asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I  also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked  now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that  out?'

'And,' the little girl says  triumphantly,
'I know why you and  daddy got a divorce.' 

'Oh really?' the mother  asks. 'Why?'

'Because you  got an F in sex.'

Friday, May 3, 2013

"Put Me In Charge"

This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX 

PUT ME IN CHARGE . . .

Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for 
Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of 
cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen 
pizza, then get a job. 

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant 
birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for 
drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, or 
smoke, then get a job. 

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You 
will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your home" will 
be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you 
want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place. 

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you 
will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, 
painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell 
your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers 
and put that money toward the "common good.." 

Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the 
above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that 
this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't 
that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was 
demeaning and lowered self esteem. 

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt 
to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for 
continuing to make bad choices. 

AND While you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is 
correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily 
remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If 
you want to vote, then get a job. 

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Letters to.....


Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. It's karma's.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google





Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? What happened?!
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle



Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin



Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.
Sincerely, Canadians


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
What are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio

 


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User



Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper