Blonde Police Officer

 A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.  She dug through her purse, and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.  The police woman replied "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.  "Here it is." she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Ok, you can go.  I didn't realize you were a cop....."

Sign Sign Everywhere a Sign

 

 

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In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

 

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

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At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

 

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On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

 

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On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

 

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On a Church's Billboard:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

 

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At a Tire Shop in    Milwaukee:

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

 

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At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

 

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On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

 

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

 

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On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

 

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At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

 

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On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

 

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On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

 

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At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

 

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

 

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

 

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At the Electric Company

'We will be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.'

 

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In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

 

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

 

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At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

 

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And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

 

 

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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

Potato in His Pants

 A guy was heading to the beach, and his friend told him to attract women put a potato in his trunks.

He comes back a half hour later upset.

The friend asks what's wrong.

He said the lifeguard kicked him off the beach and all the women and everyone else was laughing at him.

The friend responded, "You were supposed to put the potato in the front."

That was a joke told by Tim Allen on Last Man Standing.

Silent Treatment - Joel Osteen Joke

If you're like me, you love the Joel Osteen joke at the beginning of his sermons.

I for one, like that I now can listen to Joel Osteen's podcasts while I am dusting, doing general light housekeeping, or even painting.

Here is the most recent Joel Osteen joke I heard, for you:

"I heard about this husband and wife. 

They'd been arguing. 

Now, they were giving each other the silent treatment.

The man had to catch a flight early the next day.

He needed his wife to wake him up at 5 am the next morning.

Not wanting to break the silence, he just wrote a note and put it by the side of her bed that read, Please wake me up at 5.

The next morning, he woke up at 8 o'clock in the morning.

He was furious that he had missed his flight.

He went back in to find out why his wife didn't wake him and he noticed a little piece of paper by the side of his bed.

He opened it up, and it said Wake up it's 5."

Check your podcast player, and you can probably listen to Joel Osteen for free too.

What a great way to start your day. 

Husband's Old Draws Joke

I personally would have spelled it "drawers", but no matter how you spell it, this joke is a good one. 

If you use your husband's old drawers to make a tank top, you just might be a redneck.

I got that one from a friend who shared it from another friend, so not sure of the original. 

Hope you all enjoyed this redneck joke, and keep smilin'!

The River Joel Osteen Joke

Here is another one of Joel Osteen's jokes for you.

"I heard about this pastor. He was finishing up a fiery sermon on self control.

He said with great passion,

If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

With greater ferber, If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

Almost at the top of his lungs, If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

He sat down, the song leader came up. 

He said for our closing song, Let's sing Hymn 365.....

Shall we Gather at the River."

Not only was this a good story, but it reminded me of when I was baptized.

Back in the day, when they actually did "gather at the river" to baptize people, in eastern Kentucky.

Fond memory.

Jesus is Watching You - Joke

If you've ever watched Joel Osteen, you've heard him say that he likes to start with something funny.

Here is one of my favorite jokes from Joel Osteen's television program.

"I heard about this burglar that broken into a house one night. As he was stealing the stereo, he heard a voice say 'Jesus is watching you.'

He froze in his tracks, shined his flashlights, and saw a parrot over in the corner.

He said, 'Did you say that to me?'

The parrot said 'Yes, I'm just trying to warn you.'

He said 'Warn me. What are you talking about? Who are you?'

The parrot said 'My name is Moses.'

The burglar laughed and said 'What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?'

The parrot said 'The same kind of people that would name a 150 pound rottweiler, Jesus.'

Bubba and the Stray Dog

This is another joke that I heard listening to Joel Osteen.

I heard about this man named Bubba.
He lived way out in the country.
There was a stray dog that kept showing up at his house.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to put the dog in the truck, take him out to the woods and drop him off. That's where he lives."

Bubba took him a mile down the road, dropped him off.
When he came home, the dog was walking up the driveway.
Practically beat him back home.

It happened again and again.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to take him way out. Drive him around in circles. Get him mixed up."

Bubba took him an hour away.
Criss crossed country roads he had never driven before.
Dropped him off.

Two hours later, he calls his wife from the truck.
He said "Did the dog come back?"

She said "Yes he's walking up the driveway."

He said "Do me a favor, put him on the line. I need directions."

The Lawyer in Heaven

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for ya. I call this one The Lawyer in Heaven.

I heard about these two men, the Pope and a lawyer.
They died on the same day.
Peter met them at the gate and said "Follow me, I'll take you to your houses."

Peter dropped the Pope off at this small wood frame house, one bed, one table, nothing to it.

He then took the lawyer to this magnificent house. It was huge, had a big swimming pool, beautiful view out back.

The lawyer was overwhelmed. He said "Peter, how did I manage to get this spectacular place and the Pope only got the small place?"

Peter said "We have dozens of Popes. You're the first lawyer."

3 Men of the Cloth Traveling Joke

As you know, I really like a good Joel Osteen joke, and only he could tell this one and get away with it.

Three men were traveling together, a Hindu priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Televangelist.

They stopped at a farmhouse for lodging.

The farmer said "I only have room for two of you in the house, somebody will have to stay out in the barn."

The Hindu priest said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. He said "I can't stay out there. There's a cow and cow's are sacred in our religion."

The Jewish Rabbi said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. There was a pig, and that wouldn't be kosher.

The Televangelist said, "Ok, I'll do it."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, it was the cow and the pig.

I hope this gave you a give laugh for the day, like it did for me.

A Professional

I heard this one today on an episode of Joel Osteen that I had recorded a while back.

I heard about this elderly lady, she was at the store and accidentally locked her keys in the car.

She had a coat hanger and was trying and trying, but she couldn't get it unlocked.

She finally prayed and asked God to help her.

About that time, this real rough looking guy pulled up on a motorcycle.

He was dressed in leather, tattoos, wearing a skull cap.

In 15 seconds, he had the car unlocked.

She gave him a hug and said "Lord, thank you for sending me this nice man."


He said "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison for auto theft."

She hugged him again and said "Lord, thank you. You even sent me a professional."

I Can't Drive 95?

Here's a good joke about the elderly for you.


I heard about this group of elderly ladies, way up in their 80's.

They were driving down the freeway together, when they were pulled over by a policeman.

The officer said to the lady "Ma'am, do you realize you're only going 35 miles per hour?"

She said "Yes officer, I realize that."

He said "Well, why are you going so slow?"

She said "Because that is what the sign says."

He kind of laughed and said "No ma'am, that's the number of the freeway. This is highway 35. By the way, why do these other passengers look so terrified?"

She smiled and said " Because we just got off Highway 95."

Now You're a Fish

I heard about this man. He was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while his neighbors were eating cold fish, he was in his backyard grilling a steak.

They couldn't stand the temptation. So, they decided to try to convert him to Catholism. He finally agreed.

A priest came over, sprinkled water on his head, said you were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist. Now you're a Catholic.

The next year, on the first Friday of Lent they smelled the same smell.

They rushed to his house. He was in his backyard sprinkling water over his steak saying you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you're a fish.

In case you were wondering, yes that is another Joel Osteen joke.

Jesus Saves

This has become one of my favorite new Joel Osteen jokes. I hope you like it as well as I do.

One day Jesus and Satan were having a contest to see who was better with computers.

After 6 hours of making spreadsheets and designing web pages, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.

When they rebooted their computers, Satan started screaming "It's all lost. All my material is gone."

While Jesus quietly walked over, printed his out, turned it in.

Satan says "That's not fair. He must have cheated. How come he didn't lose his material?"

God smiled and said "Jesus Saves."

If you are into computers at all, I am sure you will find that one just as funny as I did.

Redneck Medical Terminology

Redneck Medical Terminology

Artery......................................The study of fine paintings 

Barium....................................What you do when CPR fails

Benign.....................................What you are after you be eight

Cesarean Section....................A neighborhood in Rome

Dilate......................................To live long

G.I. Series...............................Baseball games between teams of soldiers

Hangnail.................................A coat hook

Medical Staff..........................A Doctor's cane

Minor Operation.....................Coal digging

Morbid....................................A higher offer

Nitrate.....................................Higher than the day rate

Node.......................................Was aware of

Organic...................................Church musician

Outpatient...............................A person who has fainted

Protein....................................In favor of young people

Serology..................................Study of English Knighthood

Tablet......................................A small table

Tumor......................................An extra pair

Urine........................................Opposite of you're out

Varicose veins.........................Veins which are very close together

Hope you enjoyed this Redneck Joke from my friend.

Joel Osteen Blonde Joke

This is just a joke, so if you're a blonde, don't take offense.

Here's a Joel Osteen Blonde joke for you.

I heard about this man, he was sitting in a dark restaurant. He said to this lady sitting next to him "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"

She said "Well, before you tell me, you should know that I'm blonde, 6 foot tall and a professional body builder. The lady next to me is blonde, 6 foot 2 and a professional wrestler. And the lady next to her is blonde, 6 foot 5 and the kickboxing champion of the world. Now, do you still want to tell me?"

He thought about it for a moment and then said "No. Not if I''m going to have to explain it three times."

Acts 2:38 Bible Joke

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen late one night.

She was home alone, didn't have any weapons, didn't know what she'd do.

Finally, she decided I'll just say a scripture verse.

She shouted out "Acts 2:38:".

The burglar suddenly froze in his tracks, wouldn't move.

Soon the police arrived. They were amazed that a woman with no weapon could do this.

They said to the burglar, "What was it about that scripture, that had such an effect on you?"

He said "Scripture, what scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two thirty-eights."

This is another one of the jokes that I heard on Joel Osteen's show.

The Acts 2:38 Bible scripture reads:

"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost."

College Student Letter Joke

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for you........

Letter to parents from a college student.

Dear Mom and Dad,

There was a riot on campus, from the smoke I inhaled, I developed a life threatening lung disease. At the hospital, I met a parking lot attendant. We fell in love. Our baby is on the way. After one month, when he gets off of probation, I am going to drop out of college. We are going to move to Alaska and get married.

Signed,

Your loving daughter

P.S. None of this is true, but I did fail Chemistry.

The Green Thing

This one was sent to me by my good friend, Ellen.

 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she  should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the  environment.

 

  The woman apologized to the young girl and explained,

“We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

 

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today.   Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

 

 

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t  have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

 

 

   Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to  the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so It could use the same  bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we  didn’t have the  “green thing” back in our day.  Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we  reused for numerous  things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper  bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure  that public  property (the books provided for our use by the school) was  not defaced by our  scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on  the brown paper bags.  But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back  then.  We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and  office building. We  walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every  time we had to go two blocks.  But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

 

   Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.  Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.  But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

 

   Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in  every room.  And the TV  had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the  size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen we blended and stirred  by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do  everything for us. When  we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used  wadded up old newspapers  to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

 

   Back then, we didn’t fire  up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used  a push mower that  ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.  But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

 

   We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup  or a plastic bottle  every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens  with ink instead of  buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of  throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got  dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

 

   Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes  to school or walked  instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in  the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the ”green thing.”

 

   We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank  of sockets to power a  dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal  beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest  burger joint.

 

   But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old  folks were just  because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

 

 

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much  to piss us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.