Jesus is Watching You - Joke

If you've ever watched Joel Osteen, you've heard him say that he likes to start with something funny.

Here is one of my favorite jokes from Joel Osteen's television program.

"I heard about this burglar that broken into a house one night. As he was stealing the stereo, he heard a voice say 'Jesus is watching you.'

He froze in his tracks, shined his flashlights, and saw a parrot over in the corner.

He said, 'Did you say that to me?'

The parrot said 'Yes, I'm just trying to warn you.'

He said 'Warn me. What are you talking about? Who are you?'

The parrot said 'My name is Moses.'

The burglar laughed and said 'What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?'

The parrot said 'The same kind of people that would name a 150 pound rottweiler, Jesus.'

Bubba and the Stray Dog

This is another joke that I heard listening to Joel Osteen.

I heard about this man named Bubba.
He lived way out in the country.
There was a stray dog that kept showing up at his house.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to put the dog in the truck, take him out to the woods and drop him off. That's where he lives."

Bubba took him a mile down the road, dropped him off.
When he came home, the dog was walking up the driveway.
Practically beat him back home.

It happened again and again.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to take him way out. Drive him around in circles. Get him mixed up."

Bubba took him an hour away.
Criss crossed country roads he had never driven before.
Dropped him off.

Two hours later, he calls his wife from the truck.
He said "Did the dog come back?"

She said "Yes he's walking up the driveway."

He said "Do me a favor, put him on the line. I need directions."

3 Men of the Cloth Traveling Joke

As you know, I really like a good Joel Osteen joke, and only he could tell this one and get away with it.

Three men were traveling together, a Hindu priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Televangelist.

They stopped at a farmhouse for lodging.

The farmer said "I only have room for two of you in the house, somebody will have to stay out in the barn."

The Hindu priest said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. He said "I can't stay out there. There's a cow and cow's are sacred in our religion."

The Jewish Rabbi said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. There was a pig, and that wouldn't be kosher.

The Televangelist said, "Ok, I'll do it."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, it was the cow and the pig.

I hope this gave you a give laugh for the day, like it did for me.

Joel Osteen Blonde Joke

This is just a joke, so if you're a blonde, don't take offense.

Here's a Joel Osteen Blonde joke for you.

I heard about this man, he was sitting in a dark restaurant. He said to this lady sitting next to him "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"

She said "Well, before you tell me, you should know that I'm blonde, 6 foot tall and a professional body builder. The lady next to me is blonde, 6 foot 2 and a professional wrestler. And the lady next to her is blonde, 6 foot 5 and the kickboxing champion of the world. Now, do you still want to tell me?"

He thought about it for a moment and then said "No. Not if I''m going to have to explain it three times."

Bear & Minister Religion Joke

One my favorite things about watching Joel Osteen, is that he starts out each episode with something funny. Today, I was watching an older episode, and really enjoyed this joke.

Bear & Minister Religion Joke

"I heard about this minister, he'd been out hunting all day long.

He searched and searched through the woods, with no sign of a bear.

Finally, in frustration, he through his gun down on the ground.

He went down to the stream to cool off.

About that time he sees this huge grizzly bear running at him, full force, about a hundred yards away.

He fell down on his knees and said "God, I need protection. Please convert this bear into a Christian."

Miraculously, the bear froze in his tracks, lifted both paws to the Heavens and said "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to eat."

New Police Recruit Joke

New Police Recruit Joke

A new police recruit was taking his final exam. 

He was in front of this large classroom.

The Sargent asked him "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?"

Without missing a beat he said "Call for backup".

- Joel Osteen
Episode Airing: 10/31//1999