Silent Treatment - Joel Osteen Joke

If you're like me, you love the Joel Osteen joke at the beginning of his sermons.

I for one, like that I now can listen to Joel Osteen's podcasts while I am dusting, doing general light housekeeping, or even painting.

Here is the most recent Joel Osteen joke I heard, for you:

"I heard about this husband and wife. 

They'd been arguing. 

Now, they were giving each other the silent treatment.

The man had to catch a flight early the next day.

He needed his wife to wake him up at 5 am the next morning.

Not wanting to break the silence, he just wrote a note and put it by the side of her bed that read, Please wake me up at 5.

The next morning, he woke up at 8 o'clock in the morning.

He was furious that he had missed his flight.

He went back in to find out why his wife didn't wake him and he noticed a little piece of paper by the side of his bed.

He opened it up, and it said Wake up it's 5."

Check your podcast player, and you can probably listen to Joel Osteen for free too.

What a great way to start your day. 

The River Joel Osteen Joke

Here is another one of Joel Osteen's jokes for you.

"I heard about this pastor. He was finishing up a fiery sermon on self control.

He said with great passion,

If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

With greater ferber, If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

Almost at the top of his lungs, If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

He sat down, the song leader came up. 

He said for our closing song, Let's sing Hymn 365.....

Shall we Gather at the River."

Not only was this a good story, but it reminded me of when I was baptized.

Back in the day, when they actually did "gather at the river" to baptize people, in eastern Kentucky.

Fond memory.

The Lawyer in Heaven

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for ya. I call this one The Lawyer in Heaven.

I heard about these two men, the Pope and a lawyer.
They died on the same day.
Peter met them at the gate and said "Follow me, I'll take you to your houses."

Peter dropped the Pope off at this small wood frame house, one bed, one table, nothing to it.

He then took the lawyer to this magnificent house. It was huge, had a big swimming pool, beautiful view out back.

The lawyer was overwhelmed. He said "Peter, how did I manage to get this spectacular place and the Pope only got the small place?"

Peter said "We have dozens of Popes. You're the first lawyer."

A Professional

I heard this one today on an episode of Joel Osteen that I had recorded a while back.

I heard about this elderly lady, she was at the store and accidentally locked her keys in the car.

She had a coat hanger and was trying and trying, but she couldn't get it unlocked.

She finally prayed and asked God to help her.

About that time, this real rough looking guy pulled up on a motorcycle.

He was dressed in leather, tattoos, wearing a skull cap.

In 15 seconds, he had the car unlocked.

She gave him a hug and said "Lord, thank you for sending me this nice man."


He said "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison for auto theft."

She hugged him again and said "Lord, thank you. You even sent me a professional."

Jesus Saves

This has become one of my favorite new Joel Osteen jokes. I hope you like it as well as I do.

One day Jesus and Satan were having a contest to see who was better with computers.

After 6 hours of making spreadsheets and designing web pages, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.

When they rebooted their computers, Satan started screaming "It's all lost. All my material is gone."

While Jesus quietly walked over, printed his out, turned it in.

Satan says "That's not fair. He must have cheated. How come he didn't lose his material?"

God smiled and said "Jesus Saves."

If you are into computers at all, I am sure you will find that one just as funny as I did.

Acts 2:38 Bible Joke

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen late one night.

She was home alone, didn't have any weapons, didn't know what she'd do.

Finally, she decided I'll just say a scripture verse.

She shouted out "Acts 2:38:".

The burglar suddenly froze in his tracks, wouldn't move.

Soon the police arrived. They were amazed that a woman with no weapon could do this.

They said to the burglar, "What was it about that scripture, that had such an effect on you?"

He said "Scripture, what scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two thirty-eights."

This is another one of the jokes that I heard on Joel Osteen's show.

The Acts 2:38 Bible scripture reads:

"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost."

Bear & Minister Religion Joke

One my favorite things about watching Joel Osteen, is that he starts out each episode with something funny. Today, I was watching an older episode, and really enjoyed this joke.

Bear & Minister Religion Joke

"I heard about this minister, he'd been out hunting all day long.

He searched and searched through the woods, with no sign of a bear.

Finally, in frustration, he through his gun down on the ground.

He went down to the stream to cool off.

About that time he sees this huge grizzly bear running at him, full force, about a hundred yards away.

He fell down on his knees and said "God, I need protection. Please convert this bear into a Christian."

Miraculously, the bear froze in his tracks, lifted both paws to the Heavens and said "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to eat."