Silent Treatment - Joel Osteen Joke

If you're like me, you love the Joel Osteen joke at the beginning of his sermons.

I for one, like that I now can listen to Joel Osteen's podcasts while I am dusting, doing general light housekeeping, or even painting.

Here is the most recent Joel Osteen joke I heard, for you:

"I heard about this husband and wife. 

They'd been arguing. 

Now, they were giving each other the silent treatment.

The man had to catch a flight early the next day.

He needed his wife to wake him up at 5 am the next morning.

Not wanting to break the silence, he just wrote a note and put it by the side of her bed that read, Please wake me up at 5.

The next morning, he woke up at 8 o'clock in the morning.

He was furious that he had missed his flight.

He went back in to find out why his wife didn't wake him and he noticed a little piece of paper by the side of his bed.

He opened it up, and it said Wake up it's 5."

Check your podcast player, and you can probably listen to Joel Osteen for free too.

What a great way to start your day. 

Husband's Old Draws Joke

I personally would have spelled it "drawers", but no matter how you spell it, this joke is a good one. 

If you use your husband's old drawers to make a tank top, you just might be a redneck.

I got that one from a friend who shared it from another friend, so not sure of the original. 

Hope you all enjoyed this redneck joke, and keep smilin'!

Redneck Medical Terminology

Redneck Medical Terminology

Artery......................................The study of fine paintings 

Barium....................................What you do when CPR fails

Benign.....................................What you are after you be eight

Cesarean Section....................A neighborhood in Rome

Dilate......................................To live long

G.I. Series...............................Baseball games between teams of soldiers

Hangnail.................................A coat hook

Medical Staff..........................A Doctor's cane

Minor Operation.....................Coal digging

Morbid....................................A higher offer

Nitrate.....................................Higher than the day rate

Node.......................................Was aware of

Organic...................................Church musician

Outpatient...............................A person who has fainted

Protein....................................In favor of young people

Serology..................................Study of English Knighthood

Tablet......................................A small table

Tumor......................................An extra pair

Urine........................................Opposite of you're out

Varicose veins.........................Veins which are very close together

Hope you enjoyed this Redneck Joke from my friend.

Redneck ID Joke

Here's a funny Redneck Joke that my niece shared with me.

A Redneck gets pulled over by a traffic cop. 

The cop says: "Got any ID?"

Redneck says: "'Bout what?"

Tips to Make You Laugh

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.  IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND!

ATTENTION - ROADS TO BE CLOSED THIS COMING WEEKEND!


For those of you who might be considering a road trip, be advised:
Portions of I-64, I-70, I-29, and I-90 will be closed this weekend.
Expect long delays along these interstate highways plus major traffic disruptions
in Charleston, WV, Louisville, KY, St Louis, MO, Kansas City, MO, and Omaha, NE.

A 500-ton piece of coal is being moved from West Virginia to South Dakota so that
Barack H. Obama can be added to Mt Rushmore.

Little Johnny on Math

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'