Silent Treatment - Joel Osteen Joke

If you're like me, you love the Joel Osteen joke at the beginning of his sermons.

I for one, like that I now can listen to Joel Osteen's podcasts while I am dusting, doing general light housekeeping, or even painting.

Here is the most recent Joel Osteen joke I heard, for you:

"I heard about this husband and wife. 

They'd been arguing. 

Now, they were giving each other the silent treatment.

The man had to catch a flight early the next day.

He needed his wife to wake him up at 5 am the next morning.

Not wanting to break the silence, he just wrote a note and put it by the side of her bed that read, Please wake me up at 5.

The next morning, he woke up at 8 o'clock in the morning.

He was furious that he had missed his flight.

He went back in to find out why his wife didn't wake him and he noticed a little piece of paper by the side of his bed.

He opened it up, and it said Wake up it's 5."

Check your podcast player, and you can probably listen to Joel Osteen for free too.

What a great way to start your day. 

The River Joel Osteen Joke

Here is another one of Joel Osteen's jokes for you.

"I heard about this pastor. He was finishing up a fiery sermon on self control.

He said with great passion,

If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

With greater ferber, If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

Almost at the top of his lungs, If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

He sat down, the song leader came up. 

He said for our closing song, Let's sing Hymn 365.....

Shall we Gather at the River."

Not only was this a good story, but it reminded me of when I was baptized.

Back in the day, when they actually did "gather at the river" to baptize people, in eastern Kentucky.

Fond memory.

92 Year Old Man - Joel Osteen Joke

Here is another Joel Osteen joke for ya.

"I heard about this 92 year old man.

He wasn't feeling up to par, so he went to the doctor.

A few days later, the doctor saw him out in the park with this beautiful young lady by his side.

And he seemed as happy as can be.

The doctor said wow, you sure are feeling a lot better aren't you.

He said yes doctor, I'm just following your orders.

You said get a hot mama, and stay cheerful.

The doctor said, I didn't say that.

I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

The Lawyer in Heaven

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for ya. I call this one The Lawyer in Heaven.

I heard about these two men, the Pope and a lawyer.
They died on the same day.
Peter met them at the gate and said "Follow me, I'll take you to your houses."

Peter dropped the Pope off at this small wood frame house, one bed, one table, nothing to it.

He then took the lawyer to this magnificent house. It was huge, had a big swimming pool, beautiful view out back.

The lawyer was overwhelmed. He said "Peter, how did I manage to get this spectacular place and the Pope only got the small place?"

Peter said "We have dozens of Popes. You're the first lawyer."

A Professional

I heard this one today on an episode of Joel Osteen that I had recorded a while back.

I heard about this elderly lady, she was at the store and accidentally locked her keys in the car.

She had a coat hanger and was trying and trying, but she couldn't get it unlocked.

She finally prayed and asked God to help her.

About that time, this real rough looking guy pulled up on a motorcycle.

He was dressed in leather, tattoos, wearing a skull cap.

In 15 seconds, he had the car unlocked.

She gave him a hug and said "Lord, thank you for sending me this nice man."


He said "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison for auto theft."

She hugged him again and said "Lord, thank you. You even sent me a professional."

Now You're a Fish

I heard about this man. He was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while his neighbors were eating cold fish, he was in his backyard grilling a steak.

They couldn't stand the temptation. So, they decided to try to convert him to Catholism. He finally agreed.

A priest came over, sprinkled water on his head, said you were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist. Now you're a Catholic.

The next year, on the first Friday of Lent they smelled the same smell.

They rushed to his house. He was in his backyard sprinkling water over his steak saying you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you're a fish.

In case you were wondering, yes that is another Joel Osteen joke.

Jesus Saves

This has become one of my favorite new Joel Osteen jokes. I hope you like it as well as I do.

One day Jesus and Satan were having a contest to see who was better with computers.

After 6 hours of making spreadsheets and designing web pages, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.

When they rebooted their computers, Satan started screaming "It's all lost. All my material is gone."

While Jesus quietly walked over, printed his out, turned it in.

Satan says "That's not fair. He must have cheated. How come he didn't lose his material?"

God smiled and said "Jesus Saves."

If you are into computers at all, I am sure you will find that one just as funny as I did.

Acts 2:38 Bible Joke

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen late one night.

She was home alone, didn't have any weapons, didn't know what she'd do.

Finally, she decided I'll just say a scripture verse.

She shouted out "Acts 2:38:".

The burglar suddenly froze in his tracks, wouldn't move.

Soon the police arrived. They were amazed that a woman with no weapon could do this.

They said to the burglar, "What was it about that scripture, that had such an effect on you?"

He said "Scripture, what scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two thirty-eights."

This is another one of the jokes that I heard on Joel Osteen's show.

The Acts 2:38 Bible scripture reads:

"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost."

College Student Letter Joke

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for you........

Letter to parents from a college student.

Dear Mom and Dad,

There was a riot on campus, from the smoke I inhaled, I developed a life threatening lung disease. At the hospital, I met a parking lot attendant. We fell in love. Our baby is on the way. After one month, when he gets off of probation, I am going to drop out of college. We are going to move to Alaska and get married.

Signed,

Your loving daughter

P.S. None of this is true, but I did fail Chemistry.

Groom to Minister Joke

This is another joke from Joel Osteen, that I found humorous.

I heard about this groom. At the wedding rehearsal, he said to the minister "I'll make a deal with ya. If during the vowels you'll leave out all of that love, honor and obey stuff, I'll give you a hundred dollars."He slipped a hundred dollar bill in the minister's hand and walked away with a smile.

The next day during the ceremony, the minister said to him "Do you promise to bow down before your wife, to take her breakfast in bed, to fulfill her every desire."

He gulped in astonishment, and said in a weak voice "I do." Then he whispered in the minister's ear "I thought we had a deal?"

The minister handed him back his money and said "Your wife made me a much better offer."

Pastor Goes Golfing

Here is another one of Joel Osteen's jokes that I like....

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?"

God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Baptist, Catholic and a Charismatic

Here is another Joel Osteen joke. I think you'll like this one.

I heard about these three men, a Baptist, a Catholic and a Charismatic.

They died on the same day and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter met them at the gates and said "I'm sorry men, your rooms are not available yet."

He didn't know what to do, so he decided to call Satan and see if he would keep them for a little while.

Satan reluctantly agreed.

A few hours later Satan called Peter and said "Peter, you've got to come get these guys. The Baptist man is saving everybody. The Catholic man is forgiving everybody. And the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning."