Jesus Saves

This has become one of my favorite new Joel Osteen jokes. I hope you like it as well as I do.

One day Jesus and Satan were having a contest to see who was better with computers.

After 6 hours of making spreadsheets and designing web pages, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.

When they rebooted their computers, Satan started screaming "It's all lost. All my material is gone."

While Jesus quietly walked over, printed his out, turned it in.

Satan says "That's not fair. He must have cheated. How come he didn't lose his material?"

God smiled and said "Jesus Saves."

If you are into computers at all, I am sure you will find that one just as funny as I did.

Baptist, Catholic and a Charismatic

Here is another Joel Osteen joke. I think you'll like this one.

I heard about these three men, a Baptist, a Catholic and a Charismatic.

They died on the same day and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter met them at the gates and said "I'm sorry men, your rooms are not available yet."

He didn't know what to do, so he decided to call Satan and see if he would keep them for a little while.

Satan reluctantly agreed.

A few hours later Satan called Peter and said "Peter, you've got to come get these guys. The Baptist man is saving everybody. The Catholic man is forgiving everybody. And the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning."

Suburbanite Joke

 

 GOD:

   Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

 

  St. FRANCIS:

   It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with   grass.

 

    GOD:

   Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

 

    ST. FRANCIS:

   Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

 

    GOD:

   The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites  happy.

 

    ST. FRANCIS:

   Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

 

    GOD:

   They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

 

   ST. FRANCIS:

   Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

 

    GOD:

   They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

 

    ST. FRANCIS:

   No, Sir, just the  opposite. They pay to throw it away.

 

    GOD:

   Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

 

    ST. FRANCIS:

   Yes, Sir.

 

    GOD:

   These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

 

   ST. FRANCIS:

   You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they  drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

 

    GOD:

   What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

 

   ST. FRANCIS:

   You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

 

    GOD:

   No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

 

    ST. FRANCIS:

   After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

 

    GOD:

   And where do they get this mulch?

 

    ST. FRANCIS:

   They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

 

  GOD:

   Enough! I don't  want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

 

   ST. CATHERINE:

   'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

 

  GOD:

   Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.  

Understand Women Joke

Understand Women - Joke

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have
tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.' 

 


God replied, 'Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help man kind.'


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that
I , and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"