A Professional

I heard this one today on an episode of Joel Osteen that I had recorded a while back.

I heard about this elderly lady, she was at the store and accidentally locked her keys in the car.

She had a coat hanger and was trying and trying, but she couldn't get it unlocked.

She finally prayed and asked God to help her.

About that time, this real rough looking guy pulled up on a motorcycle.

He was dressed in leather, tattoos, wearing a skull cap.

In 15 seconds, he had the car unlocked.

She gave him a hug and said "Lord, thank you for sending me this nice man."


He said "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison for auto theft."

She hugged him again and said "Lord, thank you. You even sent me a professional."

I Can't Drive 95?

Here's a good joke about the elderly for you.


I heard about this group of elderly ladies, way up in their 80's.

They were driving down the freeway together, when they were pulled over by a policeman.

The officer said to the lady "Ma'am, do you realize you're only going 35 miles per hour?"

She said "Yes officer, I realize that."

He said "Well, why are you going so slow?"

She said "Because that is what the sign says."

He kind of laughed and said "No ma'am, that's the number of the freeway. This is highway 35. By the way, why do these other passengers look so terrified?"

She smiled and said " Because we just got off Highway 95."

Now You're a Fish

I heard about this man. He was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while his neighbors were eating cold fish, he was in his backyard grilling a steak.

They couldn't stand the temptation. So, they decided to try to convert him to Catholism. He finally agreed.

A priest came over, sprinkled water on his head, said you were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist. Now you're a Catholic.

The next year, on the first Friday of Lent they smelled the same smell.

They rushed to his house. He was in his backyard sprinkling water over his steak saying you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you're a fish.

In case you were wondering, yes that is another Joel Osteen joke.

Jesus Saves

This has become one of my favorite new Joel Osteen jokes. I hope you like it as well as I do.

One day Jesus and Satan were having a contest to see who was better with computers.

After 6 hours of making spreadsheets and designing web pages, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.

When they rebooted their computers, Satan started screaming "It's all lost. All my material is gone."

While Jesus quietly walked over, printed his out, turned it in.

Satan says "That's not fair. He must have cheated. How come he didn't lose his material?"

God smiled and said "Jesus Saves."

If you are into computers at all, I am sure you will find that one just as funny as I did.

Redneck Medical Terminology

Redneck Medical Terminology

Artery......................................The study of fine paintings 

Barium....................................What you do when CPR fails

Benign.....................................What you are after you be eight

Cesarean Section....................A neighborhood in Rome

Dilate......................................To live long

G.I. Series...............................Baseball games between teams of soldiers

Hangnail.................................A coat hook

Medical Staff..........................A Doctor's cane

Minor Operation.....................Coal digging

Morbid....................................A higher offer

Nitrate.....................................Higher than the day rate

Node.......................................Was aware of

Organic...................................Church musician

Outpatient...............................A person who has fainted

Protein....................................In favor of young people

Serology..................................Study of English Knighthood

Tablet......................................A small table

Tumor......................................An extra pair

Urine........................................Opposite of you're out

Varicose veins.........................Veins which are very close together

Hope you enjoyed this Redneck Joke from my friend.

Joel Osteen Blonde Joke

This is just a joke, so if you're a blonde, don't take offense.

Here's a Joel Osteen Blonde joke for you.

I heard about this man, he was sitting in a dark restaurant. He said to this lady sitting next to him "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"

She said "Well, before you tell me, you should know that I'm blonde, 6 foot tall and a professional body builder. The lady next to me is blonde, 6 foot 2 and a professional wrestler. And the lady next to her is blonde, 6 foot 5 and the kickboxing champion of the world. Now, do you still want to tell me?"

He thought about it for a moment and then said "No. Not if I''m going to have to explain it three times."

Acts 2:38 Bible Joke

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen late one night.

She was home alone, didn't have any weapons, didn't know what she'd do.

Finally, she decided I'll just say a scripture verse.

She shouted out "Acts 2:38:".

The burglar suddenly froze in his tracks, wouldn't move.

Soon the police arrived. They were amazed that a woman with no weapon could do this.

They said to the burglar, "What was it about that scripture, that had such an effect on you?"

He said "Scripture, what scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two thirty-eights."

This is another one of the jokes that I heard on Joel Osteen's show.

The Acts 2:38 Bible scripture reads:

"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost."