College Student Letter Joke

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for you........

Letter to parents from a college student.

Dear Mom and Dad,

There was a riot on campus, from the smoke I inhaled, I developed a life threatening lung disease. At the hospital, I met a parking lot attendant. We fell in love. Our baby is on the way. After one month, when he gets off of probation, I am going to drop out of college. We are going to move to Alaska and get married.

Signed,

Your loving daughter

P.S. None of this is true, but I did fail Chemistry.

The Green Thing

This one was sent to me by my good friend, Ellen.

 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she  should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the  environment.

 

  The woman apologized to the young girl and explained,

“We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

 

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today.   Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

 

 

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t  have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

 

 

   Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to  the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so It could use the same  bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we  didn’t have the  “green thing” back in our day.  Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we  reused for numerous  things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper  bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure  that public  property (the books provided for our use by the school) was  not defaced by our  scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on  the brown paper bags.  But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back  then.  We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and  office building. We  walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every  time we had to go two blocks.  But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

 

   Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.  Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.  But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

 

   Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in  every room.  And the TV  had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the  size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen we blended and stirred  by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do  everything for us. When  we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used  wadded up old newspapers  to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

 

   Back then, we didn’t fire  up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used  a push mower that  ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.  But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

 

   We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup  or a plastic bottle  every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens  with ink instead of  buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of  throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got  dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

 

   Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes  to school or walked  instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in  the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the ”green thing.”

 

   We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank  of sockets to power a  dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal  beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest  burger joint.

 

   But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old  folks were just  because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

 

 

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much  to piss us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Redneck ID Joke

Here's a funny Redneck Joke that my niece shared with me.

A Redneck gets pulled over by a traffic cop. 

The cop says: "Got any ID?"

Redneck says: "'Bout what?"

Groom to Minister Joke

This is another joke from Joel Osteen, that I found humorous.

I heard about this groom. At the wedding rehearsal, he said to the minister "I'll make a deal with ya. If during the vowels you'll leave out all of that love, honor and obey stuff, I'll give you a hundred dollars."He slipped a hundred dollar bill in the minister's hand and walked away with a smile.

The next day during the ceremony, the minister said to him "Do you promise to bow down before your wife, to take her breakfast in bed, to fulfill her every desire."

He gulped in astonishment, and said in a weak voice "I do." Then he whispered in the minister's ear "I thought we had a deal?"

The minister handed him back his money and said "Your wife made me a much better offer."

Pastor Goes Golfing

Here is another one of Joel Osteen's jokes that I like....

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?"

God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Baptist, Catholic and a Charismatic

Here is another Joel Osteen joke. I think you'll like this one.

I heard about these three men, a Baptist, a Catholic and a Charismatic.

They died on the same day and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter met them at the gates and said "I'm sorry men, your rooms are not available yet."

He didn't know what to do, so he decided to call Satan and see if he would keep them for a little while.

Satan reluctantly agreed.

A few hours later Satan called Peter and said "Peter, you've got to come get these guys. The Baptist man is saving everybody. The Catholic man is forgiving everybody. And the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning."

Bear & Minister Religion Joke

One my favorite things about watching Joel Osteen, is that he starts out each episode with something funny. Today, I was watching an older episode, and really enjoyed this joke.

Bear & Minister Religion Joke

"I heard about this minister, he'd been out hunting all day long.

He searched and searched through the woods, with no sign of a bear.

Finally, in frustration, he through his gun down on the ground.

He went down to the stream to cool off.

About that time he sees this huge grizzly bear running at him, full force, about a hundred yards away.

He fell down on his knees and said "God, I need protection. Please convert this bear into a Christian."

Miraculously, the bear froze in his tracks, lifted both paws to the Heavens and said "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to eat."