92 Year Old Man - Joel Osteen Joke

Here is another Joel Osteen joke for ya.

"I heard about this 92 year old man.

He wasn't feeling up to par, so he went to the doctor.

A few days later, the doctor saw him out in the park with this beautiful young lady by his side.

And he seemed as happy as can be.

The doctor said wow, you sure are feeling a lot better aren't you.

He said yes doctor, I'm just following your orders.

You said get a hot mama, and stay cheerful.

The doctor said, I didn't say that.

I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Bubba and the Stray Dog

This is another joke that I heard listening to Joel Osteen.

I heard about this man named Bubba.
He lived way out in the country.
There was a stray dog that kept showing up at his house.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to put the dog in the truck, take him out to the woods and drop him off. That's where he lives."

Bubba took him a mile down the road, dropped him off.
When he came home, the dog was walking up the driveway.
Practically beat him back home.

It happened again and again.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to take him way out. Drive him around in circles. Get him mixed up."

Bubba took him an hour away.
Criss crossed country roads he had never driven before.
Dropped him off.

Two hours later, he calls his wife from the truck.
He said "Did the dog come back?"

She said "Yes he's walking up the driveway."

He said "Do me a favor, put him on the line. I need directions."

The Lawyer in Heaven

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for ya. I call this one The Lawyer in Heaven.

I heard about these two men, the Pope and a lawyer.
They died on the same day.
Peter met them at the gate and said "Follow me, I'll take you to your houses."

Peter dropped the Pope off at this small wood frame house, one bed, one table, nothing to it.

He then took the lawyer to this magnificent house. It was huge, had a big swimming pool, beautiful view out back.

The lawyer was overwhelmed. He said "Peter, how did I manage to get this spectacular place and the Pope only got the small place?"

Peter said "We have dozens of Popes. You're the first lawyer."

3 Men of the Cloth Traveling Joke

As you know, I really like a good Joel Osteen joke, and only he could tell this one and get away with it.

Three men were traveling together, a Hindu priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Televangelist.

They stopped at a farmhouse for lodging.

The farmer said "I only have room for two of you in the house, somebody will have to stay out in the barn."

The Hindu priest said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. He said "I can't stay out there. There's a cow and cow's are sacred in our religion."

The Jewish Rabbi said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. There was a pig, and that wouldn't be kosher.

The Televangelist said, "Ok, I'll do it."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, it was the cow and the pig.

I hope this gave you a give laugh for the day, like it did for me.

A Professional

I heard this one today on an episode of Joel Osteen that I had recorded a while back.

I heard about this elderly lady, she was at the store and accidentally locked her keys in the car.

She had a coat hanger and was trying and trying, but she couldn't get it unlocked.

She finally prayed and asked God to help her.

About that time, this real rough looking guy pulled up on a motorcycle.

He was dressed in leather, tattoos, wearing a skull cap.

In 15 seconds, he had the car unlocked.

She gave him a hug and said "Lord, thank you for sending me this nice man."


He said "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison for auto theft."

She hugged him again and said "Lord, thank you. You even sent me a professional."

I Can't Drive 95?

Here's a good joke about the elderly for you.


I heard about this group of elderly ladies, way up in their 80's.

They were driving down the freeway together, when they were pulled over by a policeman.

The officer said to the lady "Ma'am, do you realize you're only going 35 miles per hour?"

She said "Yes officer, I realize that."

He said "Well, why are you going so slow?"

She said "Because that is what the sign says."

He kind of laughed and said "No ma'am, that's the number of the freeway. This is highway 35. By the way, why do these other passengers look so terrified?"

She smiled and said " Because we just got off Highway 95."

Now You're a Fish

I heard about this man. He was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while his neighbors were eating cold fish, he was in his backyard grilling a steak.

They couldn't stand the temptation. So, they decided to try to convert him to Catholism. He finally agreed.

A priest came over, sprinkled water on his head, said you were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist. Now you're a Catholic.

The next year, on the first Friday of Lent they smelled the same smell.

They rushed to his house. He was in his backyard sprinkling water over his steak saying you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you're a fish.

In case you were wondering, yes that is another Joel Osteen joke.