Jesus is Watching You - Joke

If you've ever watched Joel Osteen, you've heard him say that he likes to start with something funny.

Here is one of my favorite jokes from Joel Osteen's television program.

"I heard about this burglar that broken into a house one night. As he was stealing the stereo, he heard a voice say 'Jesus is watching you.'

He froze in his tracks, shined his flashlights, and saw a parrot over in the corner.

He said, 'Did you say that to me?'

The parrot said 'Yes, I'm just trying to warn you.'

He said 'Warn me. What are you talking about? Who are you?'

The parrot said 'My name is Moses.'

The burglar laughed and said 'What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?'

The parrot said 'The same kind of people that would name a 150 pound rottweiler, Jesus.'

92 Year Old Man - Joel Osteen Joke

Here is another Joel Osteen joke for ya.

"I heard about this 92 year old man.

He wasn't feeling up to par, so he went to the doctor.

A few days later, the doctor saw him out in the park with this beautiful young lady by his side.

And he seemed as happy as can be.

The doctor said wow, you sure are feeling a lot better aren't you.

He said yes doctor, I'm just following your orders.

You said get a hot mama, and stay cheerful.

The doctor said, I didn't say that.

I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Bubba and the Stray Dog

This is another joke that I heard listening to Joel Osteen.

I heard about this man named Bubba.
He lived way out in the country.
There was a stray dog that kept showing up at his house.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to put the dog in the truck, take him out to the woods and drop him off. That's where he lives."

Bubba took him a mile down the road, dropped him off.
When he came home, the dog was walking up the driveway.
Practically beat him back home.

It happened again and again.

His wife said "Bubba, you have to take him way out. Drive him around in circles. Get him mixed up."

Bubba took him an hour away.
Criss crossed country roads he had never driven before.
Dropped him off.

Two hours later, he calls his wife from the truck.
He said "Did the dog come back?"

She said "Yes he's walking up the driveway."

He said "Do me a favor, put him on the line. I need directions."

The Lawyer in Heaven

Here's another Joel Osteen joke for ya. I call this one The Lawyer in Heaven.

I heard about these two men, the Pope and a lawyer.
They died on the same day.
Peter met them at the gate and said "Follow me, I'll take you to your houses."

Peter dropped the Pope off at this small wood frame house, one bed, one table, nothing to it.

He then took the lawyer to this magnificent house. It was huge, had a big swimming pool, beautiful view out back.

The lawyer was overwhelmed. He said "Peter, how did I manage to get this spectacular place and the Pope only got the small place?"

Peter said "We have dozens of Popes. You're the first lawyer."

3 Men of the Cloth Traveling Joke

As you know, I really like a good Joel Osteen joke, and only he could tell this one and get away with it.

Three men were traveling together, a Hindu priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Televangelist.

They stopped at a farmhouse for lodging.

The farmer said "I only have room for two of you in the house, somebody will have to stay out in the barn."

The Hindu priest said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. He said "I can't stay out there. There's a cow and cow's are sacred in our religion."

The Jewish Rabbi said "I'll do it."

In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. There was a pig, and that wouldn't be kosher.

The Televangelist said, "Ok, I'll do it."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, it was the cow and the pig.

I hope this gave you a give laugh for the day, like it did for me.