Sign Sign Everywhere a Sign

 Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix..'

 

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In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

 

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

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At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

 

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On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

 

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On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

 

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On a Church's Billboard:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

 

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At a Tire Shop in    Milwaukee:

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

 

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At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

 

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On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

 

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

 

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On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

 

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At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

 

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On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

 

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On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

 

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At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

 

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

 

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

 

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At the Electric Company

'We will be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.'

 

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In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

 

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

 

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At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

 

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And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

 

 

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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

Potato in His Pants

 A guy was heading to the beach, and his friend told him to attract women put a potato in his trunks.

He comes back a half hour later upset.

The friend asks what's wrong.

He said the lifeguard kicked him off the beach and all the women and everyone else was laughing at him.

The friend responded, "You were supposed to put the potato in the front."

That was a joke told by Tim Allen on Last Man Standing.

Silent Treatment - Joel Osteen Joke

If you're like me, you love the Joel Osteen joke at the beginning of his sermons.

I for one, like that I now can listen to Joel Osteen's podcasts while I am dusting, doing general light housekeeping, or even painting.

Here is the most recent Joel Osteen joke I heard, for you:

"I heard about this husband and wife. 

They'd been arguing. 

Now, they were giving each other the silent treatment.

The man had to catch a flight early the next day.

He needed his wife to wake him up at 5 am the next morning.

Not wanting to break the silence, he just wrote a note and put it by the side of her bed that read, Please wake me up at 5.

The next morning, he woke up at 8 o'clock in the morning.

He was furious that he had missed his flight.

He went back in to find out why his wife didn't wake him and he noticed a little piece of paper by the side of his bed.

He opened it up, and it said Wake up it's 5."

Check your podcast player, and you can probably listen to Joel Osteen for free too.

What a great way to start your day. 

Husband's Old Draws Joke

I personally would have spelled it "drawers", but no matter how you spell it, this joke is a good one. 

If you use your husband's old drawers to make a tank top, you just might be a redneck.

I got that one from a friend who shared it from another friend, so not sure of the original. 

Hope you all enjoyed this redneck joke, and keep smilin'!

Wine Joke

Just within the last few months, I started listening to the podcast Money! with Stacy Johnson. A podcast devoted to everything money. 

Here is a joke he told on one of his recent podcasts.

"I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day.

I heard her say, I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

I said, Is that you or the wine talking?

She said, oh it's me....talking to the wine."

The River Joel Osteen Joke

Here is another one of Joel Osteen's jokes for you.

"I heard about this pastor. He was finishing up a fiery sermon on self control.

He said with great passion,

If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

With greater ferber, If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

Almost at the top of his lungs, If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river.

He sat down, the song leader came up. 

He said for our closing song, Let's sing Hymn 365.....

Shall we Gather at the River."

Not only was this a good story, but it reminded me of when I was baptized.

Back in the day, when they actually did "gather at the river" to baptize people, in eastern Kentucky.

Fond memory.

Jesus is Watching You - Joke

If you've ever watched Joel Osteen, you've heard him say that he likes to start with something funny.

Here is one of my favorite jokes from Joel Osteen's television program.

"I heard about this burglar that broken into a house one night. As he was stealing the stereo, he heard a voice say 'Jesus is watching you.'

He froze in his tracks, shined his flashlights, and saw a parrot over in the corner.

He said, 'Did you say that to me?'

The parrot said 'Yes, I'm just trying to warn you.'

He said 'Warn me. What are you talking about? Who are you?'

The parrot said 'My name is Moses.'

The burglar laughed and said 'What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?'

The parrot said 'The same kind of people that would name a 150 pound rottweiler, Jesus.'