The Urine Sample

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
And how are we doing this morning?

Or are we ready for a bath?
Or are we hungry?

I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.

So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine bottle,
looked at it and said, My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it saying,
Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.

The nurse fainted....I just smiled.

Scared Hitchhiker Joke

Scared Hitchhiker Joke

This guy was on the side of the road, hitch hiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel..The guy, paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a canteen and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same canteen and one said to the other. "Look Pete, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Scared Taxi Driver Joke

Scared Taxi Driver Joke

 

 

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Elder Lecture

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

 

The officer then asked, "Really?  Who's giving a lecture this time of night?

 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Football Finally Makes Sense

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles.

But, I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' 

I'm like Hello....it's only 25 cents!"

Three Pastors

Three pastors were in a boat together one day fishing.

One of the pastors said "We never get to let our hair down. Let's each tell the area that we struggle in the most.  Our greatest sin, so we can pray for each other."

The first pastor said "I hate to admit this, but I have a problem with gambling.  Sometimes I sneak out at night, and gamble."

The second pastor said "I am ashamed to admit this, but I have a problem with cheating.  I hardly ever pay my taxes."

The third pastor sat there silently.  They waited and waited.  He wouldn't budge.

They said "We're not leaving until you tell us your greatest sin."

He said "Alright, my greatest sin is with gossip and I can't wait to get off this boat."

Rooster Joke

A little old lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little old lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."