What to do with your Ex Joke

Joke about your Ex:

What do you do if your Ex is limping around and bleeding in you're back yard???
Take a deep breath, focus, reload, and shoot again!!!

Elderly Catholic Gentleman Joke

AN ELDERLY ITALIAN CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said: Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if
you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question." "And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?

Joke - Why I Am Now Divorced

This joke is titled "Why I am Now Divorced".

Why I Am now Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't
feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word...
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me...'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said,
'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...
followed
by my husband,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked!

How Are They Treating Grandma?

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...


This family won't even let me fart!

Weather Forecasting is Easy Joke

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
went to the phone, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter".

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely", the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen".

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy".

Biology Joke

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was,

'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk ,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end
of the test rang, he wrote...

7) It comes in 2 attractive containers.

Grandma and Grandpa Joke

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
take one Dad; they're very strong
and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
try one, and before we leave in the
morning, I'll put the money
under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
you each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from
Grandma!"